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You Can't Want For Others


I used to think persistence solved everything.

Need better grades?

Work harder.

Need more money?

Work harder.

Need to lose weight?

Work harder.

Need to learn a new skill?

Work harder.

Need another human being to see things the way you do?

Well obviously...Work harder.

Which is how I accidentally spent a good portion of my life believing that enough effort could solve almost anything.Turns out there are exceptions.

As I've gotten older, I've discovered there's an entire category of life lessons nobody warns you about.

One of them is this...Not every door opens.

For years I believed that if you were sincere enough, patient enough, humble enough, eventually things worked themselves out.

Misunderstandings would be cleared up. Relationships would heal. Old wounds would soften. People would find their way back to one another. The story would get a happy ending because both sides finally realized life is short and being right is exhausting.

A surprisingly beautiful theory. Unfortunately, life did not consult me before implementing its policies.

What I've learned is that every one of us carries around an invisible door. And from the outside, no matter how much history you share with someone...

You don't get a key.

You can knock and wait and... leave a note.

You can sit on the porch and pray. You can leave the light on.

But you cannot unlock a door from the outside.

Trust me. I tried. Most of us have.

I've reached out to people I've hurt. Some accepted the apology. Some didn't. Some wanted to rebuild the bridge and some preferred it remain exactly where it was.

I've reached out.

I've apologized.

I've forgiven.

I've prayed.

I've left the door open.

Some people walked through it.

Some didn't.

And somewhere along the way I finally stopped mistaking my hope for their decision.

That was a difficult lesson.

Not because I wanted everyone to agree with me.

Not because I expected every relationship to be restored.

But because part of me believed that if I cared enough, explained myself well enough, owned my mistakes honestly enough, then eventually the outcome would change.

Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't.

That's the part maturity quietly teaches us.

Reconciliation is a two-person decision. 

Forgiveness is a personal decision. Healing is a personal decision.

And no matter how badly we want those things for someone else, we don't get to make the choice for them.

I've wondered before how long people can carry anger. How long hurt can sit at the dinner table before everyone forgets why it was invited in the first place. How long resentment can ride in the passenger seat before it starts grabbing the steering wheel.

But I don't ask those questions as a judge.

I've carried my own hurts too and replayed my own conversations. I've held onto things longer than I should have. Which is why I understand something now that I didn't understand when I was younger...

People let go when they're ready and...forgive when they're ready. People reconnect when they're ready.

And some never do. Not because they're evil. Not because you're evil or because somebody necessarily won and somebody lost. Just because every human being gets to decide what they do with their own heart. Including the parts we wish they would handle differently.

The strange thing is that once you stop carrying other people's decisions, your hands become free again.

Free to hold your own life and notice your own blessings. Free to invest your energy where it can actually grow something. And maybe that's the lesson...

Love people. Pray for them. Wish them well. Leave the door open if your heart tells you to. But don't spend your life standing in the doorway waiting.

Because love can invite, but it can't decide.

Some people come back. Some don't. Some doors open and some remain closed.

And peace begins the moment we stop trying to force the handle and trust that every heart answers in its own time. Including our own.

That's the lesson life keeps teaching me.

You can apologize, forgive, pray and leave the door open. You can wish someone healing and hope they choose peace.

But you cannot choose it for them. You cannot heal for them or forgive for them and cannot walk through their door for them.

Because no matter how much we love someone...

You can't want for others.

You can only decide what you will do with your own heart.


"If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."

-  Romans 12:18

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